he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
