Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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