so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
