i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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