he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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