We got so high we made milksteak
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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