no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
You ate ashes out of my bong
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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