For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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