The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Randomize