I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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