Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
