Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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