the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
