I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
