Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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