I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
