He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
