Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
