You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Randomize