He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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