apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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