Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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