They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
