i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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