he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
