Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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