Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
