I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize
