OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
