awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
