the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
