Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
