i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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