i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
