Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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