From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Everything about him screamed your future.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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