my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
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