i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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