Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
