Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
