Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
