I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize