I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
