Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
home. puking in laundry basket.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
