brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
