You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
