I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize