Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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