yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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