saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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