Your dad touched me again.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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