i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
