so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
