she woke up with a sticky ear
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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