I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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