I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
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