the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
