Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
