a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
