i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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