My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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