I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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