I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize