she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
