I think i sorta joined a cult last night
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
