Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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