It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
last night I used snow as a chaser
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
