she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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