my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize